10月25日はあたしの最愛のひと Orin F. Buck の月命日でもあった。８ヶ月過ぎて、いよいよ想いは募るし、当たり前のように泣く。みぞおちと、額のある前頭葉部分がまだぐずぐずしている。同時に、幸福な感情を司ると言われるセロトニン（脳内ホルモン）にも思いが向く。こちらをテイクケアしてあげなきゃね。すでにあたしの心の住人になっているOちゃんの分も楽しくやってゆこう。Oちゃん、あたしの心の成長を促し、あたしを独立させ、自由という状態を与えてくださってほんとうにありがとう。
October 25th was also the anniversary of the death of my beloved Orin F. Buck. Eight months have passed, and my feelings for him have been grown, and I still am crying as usual. The pit of my stomach and the part of my frontal lobe where my forehead is located are still sobbing. At the same time, my thoughts also turn to serotonin, which is said to control feelings of happiness. I should take care of this. Let’s have fun with O-chan, who has already become a resident of my heart. Orin-chan, Thank you so much for encouraging my spiritual growth, making me independent, and giving me a state of freedom.
When he was alive, probably we were a bit tight each one “two of us/you and I”. Now I am alone. Little by little I am beginning to realize that “I am everything(along with all things & life)” And in the end, I think I will realize that “There is no such thing as me.”
祥子ちゃんより頂いた”とろろいも”：”tororo” which I got from Shoko-chanオリンのトレードマークの赤丸ステッカーを写真に貼り付けた：Orin’s trademark red circle sticker was pasted on the photo.
Yesterday I was a little somber, talked a little with some friends, and celebrated my wedding anniversary by myself. We were also indifferent to the celebrations of the world, so we decided to celebrate by making any day we felt like a “birthday or something else”, so even when I look back on it, I only have a vague memory of it. There are no highlights (?!) that I have. However, the years of Newburgh is filled with memories that came with Orin’s battle with his illness, and I also remember buying wine and celebrating together.
Oh my God! In 2016, at the suggestion of the owner of a 128 gallery with whom we have a good relationship, even if it was just a few days, Orin held an exhibition of small art pieces. Moreover, the opening was October 4th! Now I think that it was the best gift for our one-day late wedding anniversary. Thank you thank you. Both I and Orin are truly blessed by people. Thanks again.
In 2011, we went to New York City Hall early in the morning. The marriage registration procedure was completed successfully over the course of a whole day. We had been living together for many years up until then, so now? As an older wife, I felt a bit embarrassed by Orin’s first marriage.
In New York City, Bisbee (Arizona), and Newburgh, we were approached by a stranger almost every day. “What a cute and lovely couple! ” Orin is currently living in the world of my heart, and the two of us go out together as usual. There are some people who can see my inside like this way, and I am greeted with a warm smile by many people.
I went to a meeting with T-chan. (We’re going to do performance) Since I had time, I headed to the Port Authority Bus Terminal. Unusually at this busy time on a Sunday, but the empty gate feels like a different world.
During our three years & 3 months in Newburgh, this was the bus terminal that O and I used frequently. Of course, O’s treatments and tests/exams were the main focus, but there was also shopping, eating, briefly meeting friends, and lining up early to secure a seat. . .
O-kun was once there, but now he’s no longer here. This very clear, and only absolute reality has changed my inner worldview. Whether I’m here or not, this moment here and now is everything. I have to come to terms with my reality. “Thank you, we’ll always be together~” is the password of me and O in virtual reality. When I chant it like this, I feel an indescribable warmth, a love that goes beyond human comprehension.
珍しくだあれも居ない、だあれも並んでない：Unusually, no one is there, no one is lining up.空っぽの椅子に見えるけど、かつてOとあたしは良く座ったもんだ：It looks like an empty chair, but O and I used to sit in it often.眺め抜群：Great view
Ahead of the publication commemorative lecture, I and Ms. M went to Mr. R’s house on Bay Shore. By the way, Mr. R has been taking care of “our Hon-chan(our car once)” for half a year now since O passed away. Honta seemed relaxed and peaceful, and I was so nostalgic that I cried a little. However, since we achieved our long-awaited reunion、I was able to break free from my obsession with the fun memories of Honta, O, and me. Honta at that time is already in the past tense. I hope that he will be liked by a kind person and be adopted happily.
On the way back, Mr. R guided us and we enjoyed the sea breeze, and I also scattered O’s ashes. Although it’s a little far away, you can see Fire Island and the lighthouse. Lately, I’ve been tracing the person I was with O and transforming my daily life into the person I am without O. Little by little, little by little. ~~Thank you to all things that share this time and space with me.
あたしたちのホンタ：Our HontaM子さん、R氏の影法師と共に：With the shadow of Ms. M and Mr. R
所用でシープスヘッド・ベイに出た。そそられる盛り付けじゃない？：I went to Sheepshead Bay on business. Isn’t it an intriguing arrangement?Fさんが大輪の向日葵を下さった。: F -san from NewBurgh gave me a large sunflower.コニー・アイランド帰り。Oちゃんの灰を撒く予定が楽しいお喋りに終始した。: Return from Coney Island. The plan to scatter O’s ashes was all about fun chatting.ついに！昨年11月のΟのビデオを編集しようって気運。ハドソン河岸を撮っていたはずがOの影オンパレードだった : I’m editing a video of the Hudson River that O shot last November.マーシー駅。3年半ぶりかも。: Mercy station. It’s been three and a half years.ワーセンター。お元気そうなT氏とYさんにも再会を果たす。: Williamsburg Art and Historical Center. To Mr. T and Ms. Y who seem to be doing well have a reunion.ここでOはビデオを撮り、アタシは編集を手伝った。仲良くずっとやって来たよ: Here O shot the video and I helped edit it. The two of us, we were absolutely good team.
Orin spent his final days in this hospital where he was rushed to emergency. Since then, I surely stop by here on my way home from the library and find out how my emotion has been moving. Orin is no more, his soul/energy wave has become a single superconscious. And because he is wrapping me up, so that is why I can move forward with peace of mind.
あたしの影がオリンの横顔に見える: My shadow looks like Orin’s profile
マットとリズの美味しいご飯、食材はほぼ彼らの庭で収穫したもの。花も見事に咲き誇っているね。
Delicious foods from Matt and Liz, mostly harvested from their own garden. The flowers are blooming beautifully too.
美味しい、美味しい！: Delicious, delicious! yummy yummy!彼らのハウスの瞑想ルームに、オリンの絵が掛かっている : A painting of Orin hangs in the meditation room of their house.Oさんの月命日、8月25日。マッサージセラピースタジオにて: O’s death anniversary, August 25th. At the massage therapy studio
A statue of the Buddhist monk Kuya is known for having small statues of Buddhas emerging from his mouth. ~~~ The six Buddha statues represent Amitabha Buddha. Kuya was known for his tireless efforts to teach Buddhism by chanting, “I take refuge in Amitabha Buddha.” Kuya was active in the middle of the Heian period (794 to late 12th century) amid rampant plagues and a series of events such as earthquakes, flooding and uprisings by Taira no Masakado and Fujiwara no Sumitomo. The disasters especially afflicted the common people.
The Buddhist monk helped the poor and sick throughout his life, earning him the nickname “Ichi no Hijiri,” a saint living among the ordinary people. The standing statue, believed to be from the early Kamakura period (late 12th century to 1333), is only 117 centimeters tall, but its muscular appearance in a simple outfit so overwhelms many viewers that they cannot help but feel like standing straighter before it. ~~~~ by The Yomiuri Shimbun / 11:00 JST, April 13, 2022
I may have written it somewhere, but once upon a time, I had an incredibly wonderful dream; We are sitting in a tatami room with dozens of tatami mats where the sun shines through the shoji/paper screens. Before long, the shoji doors opened, and an old man entered with a smile on his face. He looks like he’s pulling an endless bug cage (?) in his hands. To be more precise, the insect cage has a string attached to the corner, and the old man came in while dragging a bundle of the string, and when he sat face to face with us, he sat down slowly, started talking to us.
『Whenever you do a good deed or say a good word, it will fly out of your mouth like a butterfly. My duty ( mission ?) is to collect the butterflies in these insect cages. 』
That’s all. Just that. After that dream, for some reason, I learned about the statue of Kuya Shonin. The manifestation of divinity into the world through the vocal cords. If Kotodama(spirit of words) transforms in this phenomenal world, isn’t it a very symbolic way of showing it?
In 1976, a few farmers started selling their agricultural products in Union Square Park. Today, it has become a mecca for tourism as a world-class “green market”. (<–click) I used to recognize it as a “farmer’s market” as usual, but that’s an old story. Last summer, Orin and I were still in the city of Newburgh, going to the garden lot we were renting, tending tomatoes, nasturtiums, kale, broccoli and coloured greens. Well, there are cracks piled up in front of me, and yellow, green, and vermilion tiered patterns and unevenness, that’s right! This is a tomato!
Hey, Orin!!,,, that was fun~ Let’s resume gardening when we meet again. I suddenly remembered that a long time ago (at a cafe in Kunitachi City, Tokyo), a strange lady approached me and predicted, ” You will one day become the owner of a large plantation.” . Well, it doesn’t’ matter to me, but, it would be nice if I could obtain a certain amount of forest and become a planner for tree funerals.
