Yesterday I was a little somber, talked a little with some friends, and celebrated my wedding anniversary by myself. We were also indifferent to the celebrations of the world, so we decided to celebrate by making any day we felt like a “birthday or something else”, so even when I look back on it, I only have a vague memory of it. There are no highlights (?!) that I have. However, the years of Newburgh is filled with memories that came with Orin’s battle with his illness, and I also remember buying wine and celebrating together.
Oh my God! In 2016, at the suggestion of the owner of a 128 gallery with whom we have a good relationship, even if it was just a few days, Orin held an exhibition of small art pieces. Moreover, the opening was October 4th! Now I think that it was the best gift for our one-day late wedding anniversary. Thank you thank you. Both I and Orin are truly blessed by people. Thanks again.
In 2011, we went to New York City Hall early in the morning. The marriage registration procedure was completed successfully over the course of a whole day. We had been living together for many years up until then, so now? As an older wife, I felt a bit embarrassed by Orin’s first marriage.
In New York City, Bisbee (Arizona), and Newburgh, we were approached by a stranger almost every day. “What a cute and lovely couple! ” Orin is currently living in the world of my heart, and the two of us go out together as usual. There are some people who can see my inside like this way, and I am greeted with a warm smile by many people.
Emi-chan took me to Robert Moses State Park by car! A fun plan to swim in the sea and have a BBQ. On the way, we bought some fresh vegetables at the farmers market, which was great! Yey!
By the way, a strange thing happened in the moment we set out. As you know, seat belts naturally have a sensor on the seat that has a certain weight on them, which recognizes this and emits a warning light or sound to remind you to fasten your belt. But there was no one in the back seat. . If this happens, we can’t leave! ? So, as soon as I tried putting on the seat belt on an empty seat. Everything was fine. Orin definitely wanted to accompany him to Long Beach, Jones Beach, and Fire Island, which he also has connections to. Emi and I both agree.
Surprising high waves due to a hurricane heading north off the coast! Scatter Orin’s ashes, in the moment, the raging waves carry Orin away. I have sprinkled his ashes on the beach several times so far, but now I have completely finished one of my tasks. The entire ocean has become Orin. I would like to thank Emi-chan with all of my heart for giving me(and Orin) such a wonderful day.
I went to a meeting with T-chan. (We’re going to do performance) Since I had time, I headed to the Port Authority Bus Terminal. Unusually at this busy time on a Sunday, but the empty gate feels like a different world.
During our three years & 3 months in Newburgh, this was the bus terminal that O and I used frequently. Of course, O’s treatments and tests/exams were the main focus, but there was also shopping, eating, briefly meeting friends, and lining up early to secure a seat. . .
O-kun was once there, but now he’s no longer here. This very clear, and only absolute reality has changed my inner worldview. Whether I’m here or not, this moment here and now is everything. I have to come to terms with my reality. “Thank you, we’ll always be together~” is the password of me and O in virtual reality. When I chant it like this, I feel an indescribable warmth, a love that goes beyond human comprehension.
珍しくだあれも居ない、だあれも並んでない：Unusually, no one is there, no one is lining up.空っぽの椅子に見えるけど、かつてOとあたしは良く座ったもんだ：It looks like an empty chair, but O and I used to sit in it often.眺め抜群：Great view
Ahead of the publication commemorative lecture, I and Ms. M went to Mr. R’s house on Bay Shore. By the way, Mr. R has been taking care of “our Hon-chan(our car once)” for half a year now since O passed away. Honta seemed relaxed and peaceful, and I was so nostalgic that I cried a little. However, since we achieved our long-awaited reunion、I was able to break free from my obsession with the fun memories of Honta, O, and me. Honta at that time is already in the past tense. I hope that he will be liked by a kind person and be adopted happily.
On the way back, Mr. R guided us and we enjoyed the sea breeze, and I also scattered O’s ashes. Although it’s a little far away, you can see Fire Island and the lighthouse. Lately, I’ve been tracing the person I was with O and transforming my daily life into the person I am without O. Little by little, little by little. ~~Thank you to all things that share this time and space with me.
あたしたちのホンタ：Our HontaM子さん、R氏の影法師と共に：With the shadow of Ms. M and Mr. R
Orin spent his final days in this hospital where he was rushed to emergency. Since then, I surely stop by here on my way home from the library and find out how my emotion has been moving. Orin is no more, his soul/energy wave has become a single superconscious. And because he is wrapping me up, so that is why I can move forward with peace of mind.
あたしの影がオリンの横顔に見える: My shadow looks like Orin’s profile
マットとリズの美味しいご飯、食材はほぼ彼らの庭で収穫したもの。花も見事に咲き誇っているね。
Delicious foods from Matt and Liz, mostly harvested from their own garden. The flowers are blooming beautifully too.
美味しい、美味しい！: Delicious, delicious! yummy yummy!彼らのハウスの瞑想ルームに、オリンの絵が掛かっている : A painting of Orin hangs in the meditation room of their house.Oさんの月命日、8月25日。マッサージセラピースタジオにて: O’s death anniversary, August 25th. At the massage therapy studio
I picked up the one of Orin’s old drawings for participating him to the Group show. He drew this one was his age 15 years old, he had to be in Michigan/Ann Arbor. The scene at that time comes to mind. At the same time, Orin really has left! The fact makes me cry.
The same spider that appeared at the edge of the kitchen sink for just one day, and disappeared suddenly that night, appears again! No matter how it look like, it doesn’t look like it’s nesting, and it’s hanging like Spider-Man? This time, diagonally above Orin’s shelf. A few days later, when I returned, it was nowhere to be found.
Recently, I received a leggings a kind of 2nd hands, and I casually looked at the maker’s tag, ( thinking of remodeling this leggings into a skirt). Is that it? “eye candy? ” This is what Orin used to call his art project like this. Orin’s art must have looked adorable in everyone’s eyes, and they were sweetly fascinated in everyone.
Orin is worried about me from somewhere, and he’s telling me like this, ‘Grandma/ ba~ya Sanae~, I / ji~ya am/is here, we’re together~’. But maybe it’s all just a fancy fantasy of mine. What I do know is that little by little, many things are peeling off, and “I pray for all happiness and gratitude for being able to fully live here and now.”
Brighton Beach. Was it seven or eight years ago when Orin and I came here, and on July 4th, did we shoot the fireworks video for Independence Day?
The first time I visited here was more than 35 years ago? In the chilly early spring, no one wanted to walk during the cloudy daytime, and the shops were closed. A pack of wild dogs was threatening me a little ahead. What is it, where does time set its direction?
Descending the rough boardwalk to the sandy beach. The sea breeze blows away the ashes even though I planned to draw using the ashes. Elderly couples relaxing, children and mothers, young people, someone walking along the waterfront, seagulls and seagulls. Where are they from and where are they going?
The waves erase the drawing. I can’t stop crying. The seagulls approached me with wondering faces. Head to the station again. I mutter to myself, like this; 『Jiiya/old man, I scattered your ashes on Brighton Beach today. I wanted to draw OS4ever look good, but it was a little different. I bought two types of pirozhki, cabbage and potatoes. However, actually did you want to eat meat pirozhki? 』
Directly across from my small dining table, Orin is located slightly diagonally above. Well, he always looks down on me. Recently I felt like he was asking something (should fix for him). Just because there was a picture of him smiling and eating, I changed it to this one. That’s all.
