Tちゃんとのパフォーマンスの打ち合わせに出る。時間があったのでポート・オーソリティ・バスターミナルに向かう。この日曜日の忙しい時間帯、あり得ないんだけど、誰もいないゲートは異空間そのもの。ニューバーグでの３年間、ここは、Ο君とアタシが頻繁に利用したバス・ターミナル。もちろん、O君の治療や検査が主要事項だったけど、買い物や買い食いしたり、友人にちょこっと会ったり、帰りの座席の確保で早々と列に並んだり、。。。かつてO君は確かに居た・今はもう居ない、このあまりにも明白で唯一の絶対的現実は、アタシの世界観を変えてしまった。居ようが居まいが今ここ、この刹那の瞬間が全てなんだ。あたしの現実に折り合いを付けるんだよ。”有難う、いつも一緒だよ〜” がアタシとOの仮想現実の合言葉。こんな風に唱えると、なんとも言えない暖かさ、人智を超えた”愛”を感知する。
I went to a meeting with T-chan. (We’re going to do performance) Since I had time, I headed to the Port Authority Bus Terminal. Unusually at this busy time on a Sunday, but the empty gate feels like a different world.
During our three years & 3 months in Newburgh, this was the bus terminal that O and I used frequently. Of course, O’s treatments and tests/exams were the main focus, but there was also shopping, eating, briefly meeting friends, and lining up early to secure a seat. . .
O-kun was once there, but now he’s no longer here. This very clear, and only absolute reality has changed my inner worldview. Whether I’m here or not, this moment here and now is everything. I have to come to terms with my reality. “Thank you, we’ll always be together~” is the password of me and O in virtual reality. When I chant it like this, I feel an indescribable warmth, a love that goes beyond human comprehension.
出版記念講演会の打ち合わせということで、アタシとM子さんはロングアイランドのR氏宅に出かけた。ところで、O君の他界からこっち、もう半年も ”私たちのホンちゃん” をR氏に預けっぱなし。ホンタは、くつろいで伸び伸びしているように見えたし、アタシはちょいと（いつもなんですが）泣いてしまった。でも、思い切って再会を果たしたので心の底から吹っ切れた。あの時のホンタはもう過去形。優しい人に気に入られて、幸せな養子に出てね〜、って思う。
Ahead of the publication commemorative lecture, I and Ms. M went to Mr. R’s house on Bay Shore. By the way, Mr. R has been taking care of “our Hon-chan(our car once)” for half a year now since O passed away. Honta seemed relaxed and peaceful, and I was so nostalgic that I cried a little. However, since we achieved our long-awaited reunion、I was able to break free from my obsession with the fun memories of Honta, O, and me. Honta at that time is already in the past tense. I hope that he will be liked by a kind person and be adopted happily.
帰る途中、R氏の案内でアタシたちは海風を堪能し、O君の灰も撒いてきた。少し遠いけど、ファイヤー・アイランドも灯台も見える。このところ、O君と居たアタシ、をなぞりながら、O君の居ないアタシ、に日常を変換。少しずつ、少しずつ。〜〜このアタシの時空間を共有してくださる万物に感謝。
On the way back, Mr. R guided us and we enjoyed the sea breeze, and I also scattered O’s ashes. Although it’s a little far away, you can see Fire Island and the lighthouse. Lately, I’ve been tracing the person I was with O and transforming my daily life into the person I am without O. Little by little, little by little. ~~Thank you to all things that share this time and space with me.
